Dear Abba,
I know I always come giving thanks. That is
how I should come into your presence.
But this morning, I feel like you’ve let me
down. I feel like I waited for you and
you did not come through. They say it’s darkest before dawn and it is really
dark now Abba. I can’t see anything beyond the wind and waves all around me
threatening to sink my boat. My boat. Are you in my boat Jesus? Then you’re
probably fast asleep just like you were in the gospels with the disciples.
I remember reading the story and thinking
to myself, ‘why would anyone doubt when they have Jesus in the boat?’ (Especially after watching him feed 5,000+
people). Well, now I know… You would ask me the same question. ‘Why are you so
afraid? Do you still have no faith?’ (Mark 4:40)
Yes, I am afraid. My faith falters. I heard
you speak, I know your promises but I took my eyes of you and I fixed it on the
wind, on the waves, on the terrible storm of uncertainty… and I couldn’t see
YOU anymore. It’s not that you weren’t there the whole time. I just didn’t SEE
you. I want to SEE YOU.
How will I know I truly believe you if the
word is not tested? The seed in me must be proven before it brings forth fruit
for you. I heard you speak. Do I truly believe that you will NEVER forsake me,
no matter what comes?
It is so hard Abba, and I am just looking
for some hope, that mustard seed faith, just something, anything to hold on to.
A drop of hope makes a difference in the sea of despair. I have prayed, I have
hoped, I have confessed your promises, I have asked for a breakthrough but you
are silent in my storm. I feel so insignificant, alone, poor.
I hear you gently ask me now Jesus to look
closer, to SEE.
Alright, I will follow your gaze. I see…
it’s a tiny flicker of light, but I see.
Now I see, that I am pressed on every side,
but not crushed. I am tested but not forsaken ( 2 Corinthians 4: 8,9)…and I am
not alone in this test of faith. No temptation is uncommon and you will provide
with it a window of escape, you will never put more on me than I can bear. (1
Corinthians 10:13)
I SEE YOU. I feel your hope rise in me!
It’s burning… it feels like… JOY!
Now I give thanks. You have not forgotten
me Abba, You are with me. You are carrying me. Even to my old age you carry me.
What blessed assurance.
Thank you Abba, for with you, I will get
through this.
I lift up my eyes to the hills from whence
comes my help. All of my help comes from The LORD (Psalm 121).
Thank you that the fear in my heart did not
stop me from coming to you. Thank you that you receive me despite the fear in
my heart. You receive me, and you give me peace.
The storm is still here. But now, I see
you. That’s what happens when I come to you. You refocus my eyes.
And now I hear you rebuke the wind and the
waves “Peace! Be still”
I will be still and rest in your loving
care for me.
Your favourite girl,
Maz.
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